Thursday, December 05, 2013

Flawed thinking.

I've always thought that when I went to an International school, my thinking would be somewhat upgraded. In fact, it gave me a boost in confidence; knowing that I'm wise and intelligent.

This naive and flawed perception of mine took me all the way to college and crashed miserably when I entered the working world. It was then I realised that I was just a chump. Other people had better thinking skills and with clarity. For the next miserable years, I was depressed and vowed to improve that.

I bought books after books to change this. And it was a slow and painful process. I was slow in the brain. I thought maybe my brain was not meant to be any smarter. Maybe I refused to re-learn and accept the fact that I was just lazy as well.

Thankfully, my ego saved me.

Yep, you heard me right. My EGO. If it weren't for my ego, I would've sunken into the deep end of stupidity. Forever lost in Dunce Island. Doomed to be a dumb ass. Cursed of a cretin. The Prince of Louse. Impeding fate as an idiot. Well, you get the picture. It would've sucked to be stupid.

It has been a tough journey and I'm still learning, still improving, still enhancing, still going. I don't intend to stop because now the stakes are even higher. I need to be one step ahead of my self and every one else in order to be a provider to my future wife. A provider to my future kids. The sole breadwinner. Yes, the stakes are higher and I am scared. I am scared that I might fail. In fact, failure is not an option. If I must fail, I should fail gloriously. Or rise up until I can no longer see that failure or until it towers over my failure. In a nutshell, my failure must be perceived as an achievement to others.

(It's 2.35am and I'm writing)

I still think my thinking is not good enough. And that's not because I want to impress people. It's because I want to make sure that my thinking is top notch without my degree or diploma (although I do intend to get one, one day. Just for the sake of formalities).

Thanks EGO, you saved me. And thank you FEAR for keeping me on my toes. Last but not least to God, for giving me a brain.

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